A post I made on Facebook has kind of been bothering me for a few days. Well, maybe not bothering me, but it made me think about things on a deeper level. (Yes, I have many levels. I'm not only cute and hilarious, I am also a deep thinker.)
I had posted a picture of myself on my wedding day and commented how I'd love to fit back into my dress. Not a big deal. One of those "I wish I was as fat now as I thought I was then" moments, you know the ones you have when you're in your mid thirties and have stretched out your body by carrying two large and healthy babies and then pushing their big heads out your hoo-ha, you know? My little sister kind of blasted me for my desire to constantly change. She said I'm fine the way I am and she doesn't understand why I always want to change myself. Well. Let's look at the possible reasons.
We could look at this on a psychological level and say perhaps I'm looking for the kind of approval I desperately wanted but never got from a certain person in my life who shall remain nameless. But that's not the reason. We could say I'm a victim of the mind fucking laid out by the media and I'm trying in vain to achieve a level of beauty that can only be attained by cosmetic surgery, photoshop and thousands of dollars. But that's not it. Or we could say that I'm just completely spastic, suffer from an undiagnosed form of ADHD that manifests itself in my many hair and body changes. That could be part of it.
Honestly, I don't know why I always want to change the way I look. I love changing my hair and that's all there is to it. I like changing from brunette to red to purple or blonde. I think it's fun to go from long to short to curly to straight. I've been doing it for over 20 years and I don't see that ending anytime soon.
As for the body stuff, well that's another story. I'm no longer trying to change my natural, God given shape. I'm content and secure with being below average height and having an ass that can knock you across the room with one well placed bump to the hip. I don't own a scale so I can't get caught up on a number and I try not to get bent out of shape when I have to go up a pant size because I know it's usually due to the fact that not all brands run in the same sizes. That doesn't mean that I'm going to run out and buy a bikini and let my muffin top flop around. Some things I like to keep under wraps. I'm a work in progress when it comes to this.
But no matter how often the outside of me changes, the inside never does. I'm still the same goofy, dorky, self-deprecating, lovable gal I've always been. If anything I'm the most comfortable I've ever been and those of you who have known me since the days of being so shy I wouldn't speak up and always walked with my head down so I wouldn't have to make eye contact with the world know that.
So no need to worry dear sister. Let me reassure you that I am completely happy with everything about myself. Except my hair. Growing out a pixie is proving to be a massive bitch. :)
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