Tales of a Pasty White Girl

The month of April has not been kind to me so I don't feel the least bit guilty for wishing the bitch a fond farewell. This has been a long and unpleasant 30 days.

This month alone I had a dream crushed, it's still fixable just temporarily out of commission, fought 2 really nasty bouts of strep throat and had 2 sunburns. Sunburns. In April. I know, I know. Pale girl problems, right?

I look absolutely ridiculous right now. My shoulders are lily white and the rest of my arms are the color of a ripe tomato. My calves are as bright as the new fallen snow and my thighs are same shade of red as a baboon's ass. Now visualize all that and you have a visual of me looking all kinds of hot.

For two days I couldn't walk without serious pain. Pants were out of the questions and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit I wore the same baggy sundress for those two days because I couldn't bear the thought of pulling a pair of shorts or jeans over my swollen, blistered stubby legs. Pulling up underwear took great skill and precision as to not accidentally scrape my tender skin.

Now the itching has started to set in and it is driving me ape shit. In a day or so the oh so attractive peeling will begin and I'll have to slap my daughter's hands away from trying to peel me like a banana. (she's a twisted one, I tell ya). The thing is, I KNOW I'm pasty. I should have known from the first sunburn of the year that I got while standing under a tree was foreshadowing things to come, but nooooo. I'm a dumbass who can't take a hint. I should have immediately ran to Sam's Club and stocked up on sunscreen that very day.

Alas, I didn't and my poor skin has paid the price.

I'm going to the beach in June and at this rate I will burst into flames as soon as I step foot over the Florida state line. If you happen to be in the St. Augustine area around the first week of June and you see a shapeless blob lying on the beach under an umbrella, covered from head to toe in a Snuggie, over sized sunglasses and a floppy hat, stop by and say hi to me. Better yet, take pity on me and bring me a cold Diet Coke and some aloe vera. I'll probably need it.