Oh Ye of Little Faith

I really, truly wish I was one of those people who could rely on faith. I've tried and tried but it isn't something that comes easily to me. As much as I would love to sit back and relax and rest assured that everything will be ok, I can't. There isn't enough Prozac in the world to calm my anxiety ridden self to the point where I can just chill. Faith seems to come naturally to some people. George Michael said we gotta have it, the Bible says we should have it. Why can't I let go and feel it?

That of course brings up more anxiety. Shouldn't someone who identifies as a Christian be able to rely on their faith to ease their fears? Does my inability to do that mean my faith in God isn't strong enough? I drive myself batshit crazy trying to figure it out sometimes.

I want to be able to close my eyes, take a deep breath and feel the sense of calm that so many people are able to experience. The calm that lets them know that everything in life will work out just how and when it is supposed to. Maybe I'm too much of a control freak for that. That requires letting go of the tight grip I have on the need to have answers immediately. I want to know what the plan for me is and I want to know now!  

Is that too much to ask?